The Path to Self-Discovery: Overcoming Depression and Embracing Growth

What is Depression?

As described by Mayo Clinic - “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.”

But how easy is it to define it when it actually happens to you?

How do you identify that something isn’t right?

A young lady in her early twenties is sitting in her bed. It’s the last semester of her post-graduate studies. She is living in a beautiful rented room, in a beautiful Victorian house, the kind she always wanted to live in. The high ceilings, the tall windows, the tall closets, are not compensating for the emptiness she feels on the inside. Every day, she orders some fatty, filling food from the restaurant nearby, and tries to compensate for the anxiety and lack of self-worth that she feels, with the calories. She goes to sleep, wakes up the next morning, she reluctantly pulls herself out of the bed to fulfill the commitments of the last semester of her student life in a bare minimum fashion, and the cycle repeats. She is gaining weight, she feels sluggish, least interested in any activity, the glow on her face is fading more everyday, her beautiful luscious hair is losing its shine with every passing day, and her vivacious personality is losing its light with time. She is sleeping way more than she should. She knows that this is not like her usual self, like the girl she has been for so many years. And then one day, tired of feeling this way, standing in front of the mirror, witnessing her dull reflection, she questioned her current state, comparing it to her past state. A conversation with the doctor during her annual checkup, some memories from the past, an immigration application to maintain her eligibility for employment being on a visa, became a wake-up call for her.

The young lady is me, and that was my situation seven years ago. I was going through a forlorn, lonely phase after my graduation. All the people I knew had moved out after graduation. I had no friends, and miles away from my family, a strange darkness engulfed me. I had no one to talk to, or probably, I was just at a loss of words to talk to anyone. I would cry for reasons unknown to me. What I was feeling was tough to put in words. As I was struggling to understand what I was going through myself, how could I explain it to others? But I accepted that something was wrong with me.

Acceptance

Depression gradually comes creeping onto you, like a shadow of darkness. It hampers your usual mode of functioning, your state of mind, the way you perceive the world, and the way you perceive yourself and your entire existence.

I would now explain what I was going through as depression, where after five years of Bachelors, including preparation to come to the USA, two years of my Masters, managing it all on my own, adulting in every sense of the word, when I was officially Masters in Computer Science, somewhere in the process, I lost myself. And then suddenly that journey was coming to an end, with a huge question mark hovering over me - “What’s next?” To an outsider, the obvious answer to that question might be, getting a job. But the problem was not professional, it was personal. I felt aimless and clueless. I used to be the life of the party, a vivacious extrovert person, topper of my class, a scholar student, used to victory, and happiness. If I ever fell, there was family, and life to occupy me. But in this situation, when I fell, there was no immediate support or escape. Yes my parents were just a phone call away, but they were not physically present. I realized, I had to bring back that old self, and my mental strength and resilience had to be my best friend. So I did just that.

During this entire phase, the one thing that kept me going was the communication with my parents. They were my anchor. I had not communicated all my emotions to them. They were not aware of the depression, but they knew I was going through a tough time, and they would keep in touch to keep encouraging me during my last semester.

The Effort

After months of being in a depressed state, came my graduation day. My parents were visiting. Wearing that graduation cap, my new gown, and my family by my side, I felt genuine happiness after months of sadness. My friends back home were proud of me, and so were my parents. The next two weeks that followed are a lovely memory for me. We went on a road trip across a few cities in the West coast to celebrate my graduation. Being a tour guide for my parents pulled me out of that dark side. Then after two weeks, they returned to their life. And I started making efforts to get back to my vivacious self. I got back to my artistic activities. I started singing and dancing again. In my free time, I started volunteering at the Indian Film Festival in Los Angeles. I started going to plays. I started going out on the beach with a couple of acquaintances who had stayed back in town. All these efforts gradually got me back to my old self. A friend referred me for an internship in the tough job market. So now, my internship and my job search occupied me as well.

The Lessons and the Growth

This whole process made me realize a few things. You are stronger than you think. It is okay to cry and let it all out. Ask for help when you can. I didn’t formally ask for help. But the regular communication with my loved ones, and staying in touch with people around me, helped. Accept the emotions that you are feeling. Confronting them, voicing them, and dealing with them is the way to go. Emotional growth is a lifelong process. Embrace it. And most importantly, continue working on yourself.